Being at stay at home mom, or an out of work graduate student, whichever you prefer, can be daunting. The day to day, 8 hours a day of being around your children. Can be lonely…I am no supermom, so the feeling doesn’t escape me. I am not lonely, in the your alone all day. Oh no, I have two toddlers running around, keeping me busy. But sometimes the feeling starts to lurk. In the corners of my heart. I start to feel the prickling of being lonely. I start to want, need other adult interaction. Then I find myself just trying to get through the days. I start counting the minutes until, at last, I have my husband home or a I get to spend a few short hours outside of the home, volunteering. I feel like a flowering, needing water to grow, but finding I am the only flower around.
I wasn’t always like this, before the last semester of my master’s degree. I relished in being a stay at home mom. I loved most days and didn’t want to do anything else. Then, the last semester of school happened, I had to do a 40 plus hour a week internship on top of three classes. I was on the go like a mad person. Then mother’s day, I graduated. It all went away. I went from running around like a chicken with my head cut off, to staying home again. Then the questions start: “Are you applying for jobs?” ” Do you have a job?” etc…. You see, I do desire to go back to work. I am just not sure when and where. Still waiting on God.
So, here I am typing about being a lonely stay at home mom. Yes, I have stay at home mom friends. But its like we can get together everyday or that my children could handle that many play-dates in a week. I am not sure how many of my readers feel as I do. Yes, I do take my kids to parks, the library, museums, the pool, but most of those things are done solo.
What do you do when you feel lonely? I like the psalms for feeling lonely.I think David, felt lonely a lot of the time. In the Psalms he poured out his heart to the Lord. Often days, I find myself asking the Lord, what is it that I need to be doing? You see, I get in my head, that I should be doing something spectacular, like something huge. But who is that for me or the Lord? Who am I trying to impress, others or the audience of One. Here are I am…waiting….and learning that being lonely is just a sign that I need to in prayer more and in the word more.
“A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. .”
This verse is used at a lot of funerals. Maybe its the “walking through the shadow of death” line, but I find this comforting in my loneliness. You see, He is still beside me no matter what. He comforts me, even when evil is present. He is my shepherd. I don’t believe this Psalm is completely about death but about how to find the green pastures and live in the stillness of God.
So, today, I am going to try to find my green pastures and lay my head down, because my Lord is with me.