I turned 32 on July 2nd. I had no idea what to expect in my 32nd year of life. My expectations may have included a couple of half marathons, playing with my kids, etc… Then July hit. I started feeling under the weather. I will spare my readers the details. This not “feeling” well, would lead me into a two week adventure of a batteries of tests, two ER visits, and two possible diagnosis. Really no definite answer, but moving into the right direction and another medication to take on a daily basis. There is still chronic pain.
The one answer I did get was,’no more babies”. All I heard was “Sorry your womb is closed for business.” I have had two c-sections that resulted in two beautiful little girls. I am blessed. I know many woman that struggled to have one baby. I shouldn’t be sad, I shouldn’t grieve. We had decided that two children might be it. Then like that in a moments notice, the idea, the dream,the possibility is ripped away.
So, here is 32. I am in pain like no other, told not to bear anymore children and wondering…what’s next? I am like this picture. I look the same on the outside, but there is a work being done on the inside, its not black or white. It’s colorful. So, the picture itself looks the same, but if you drive down each of the streets, they are different.
I know God has a great and much bigger plan for my family. I am not sure what it will entail. I am not sure what my situation will require of me. My health is not the best. I am young, I can overcome this, I mean, I am a marathoner! I have a can do attitude on the outside.
But inside, I am broken, hurting and in need of my savior to hold my hand and tell me its going to be okay. In the moments, I cry out, I need the comfort of His words to wash over me and give me peace. The psalms are a perfect place for me. I am reading through them right now. David is continually crying out to God, to overcome his sadness or his enemies.But in those psalms David is praising God. He leans on God to be his strength, his rock, his fortress, truly his everything. Right now my enemy is my body. What is your enemy? What is defeating you? Am I praising God through this situation? Are you?
So, in this moment, as I grieve, for the the fact that I will no longer feel another children within me, maybe God is calling us to a higher purpose. Not sure what that is yet, but I can’t wait to find out.
I am so thankful for a God so loving, that He cares for me even when I am at my worst. Thank you Lord for all you have already given me, may I never lose sight of your blessings and your Glory.