Now what?!

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Flickr, Vincent Chow, 2008

Flickr, Vincent Chow, 2008

I turned 32 on July 2nd. I had no idea what to expect in my 32nd year of life. My expectations may have included a couple of half marathons, playing with my kids, etc… Then July hit. I started feeling under the weather. I will spare my readers the details. This not “feeling” well, would lead me into a two week adventure of a batteries of tests, two ER visits, and two possible diagnosis. Really no definite answer, but moving into the right direction and another medication to take on a daily basis. There is still chronic pain.

The one answer I did get was,’no more babies”. All I heard was “Sorry your womb is closed for business.” I have had two c-sections that resulted in two beautiful little girls. I am blessed. I know many woman that struggled to have one baby. I shouldn’t be sad, I shouldn’t grieve. We had decided that two children might be it. Then like that in a moments notice, the idea, the dream,the possibility is ripped away.

So, here is 32. I am in pain like no other, told not to bear anymore children and wondering…what’s next? I am like this picture. I look the same on the outside, but there is a work being done on the inside, its not black or white. It’s colorful. So, the picture itself looks the same, but if you drive down each of the streets, they are different.

Jordan Richmond, 2009

Jordan Richmond, 2009

I know God has a great and much bigger plan for my family. I am not sure what it will entail. I am not sure what my situation will require of me. My health is not the best. I am young, I can overcome this, I mean, I am a marathoner! I have a can do attitude on the outside.

But inside, I am broken, hurting and in need of my savior to hold my hand and tell me its going to be okay. In the moments, I cry out, I need the comfort of His words to wash over me and give me peace. The psalms are a perfect place for me. I am reading through them right now. David is continually crying out to God, to overcome his sadness or his enemies.But in those psalms David is praising God. He leans on God to be his strength, his rock, his fortress, truly his everything. Right now my enemy is my body. What is your enemy? What is defeating you? Am I praising God through this situation? Are you?

So, in this moment, as I grieve, for the the fact that I will no longer feel another children within me, maybe God is calling us to a higher purpose. Not sure what that is yet, but I can’t wait to find out.

I am so thankful for a God so loving, that He cares for me even when I am at my worst. Thank you Lord for all you have already given me, may I never lose sight of your blessings and your Glory.

Loneliness and the stay at home mom

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(Fabrizio Rinaldi, 2007, flicker )

(Fabrizio Rinaldi, 2007, flicker )

Being at stay at home mom, or an out of work graduate student, whichever you prefer, can be daunting. The day to day, 8 hours a day of being around your children. Can be lonely…I am no supermom, so the feeling doesn’t escape me. I am not lonely, in the your alone all day. Oh no, I have two toddlers running around, keeping me busy. But sometimes the feeling starts to lurk. In the corners of my heart. I start to feel the prickling of being lonely. I start to want, need other adult interaction.  Then I find myself just trying to get through the days. I start counting the minutes until, at last, I have my husband home or a I get to spend a few short hours outside of the home, volunteering. I feel like a flowering, needing water to grow, but finding  I am the only flower around.

I wasn’t always like this, before the last semester of my master’s degree. I relished in being a stay at home mom. I loved most days and didn’t want to do anything else. Then, the last semester of school happened, I had to do a 40 plus hour a week internship on top of three classes. I was on the go like a mad person.  Then mother’s day, I graduated. It all went away. I went from running around like a chicken with my head cut off, to staying home again.  Then the questions start: “Are you applying for jobs?”  ” Do you have a  job?”  etc…. You see, I do desire to go back to work. I am just not sure when and where. Still waiting on God.

So, here I am typing about being a lonely stay at home mom. Yes, I have stay at home mom friends. But its like we can get together everyday or that my children could handle that many play-dates in a week. I am not sure how many of my readers feel as I do. Yes, I do take my kids to parks,  the library, museums, the pool, but most of those things are done solo.

What do you do when you feel lonely? I like the psalms for feeling lonely.I think David, felt lonely a lot of the time. In the Psalms he poured out his heart to the Lord. Often days, I find myself asking the Lord, what is it that I need to be doing? You see, I get in my head, that I should be doing something spectacular, like something huge. But who is that for me or the Lord? Who am I trying to impress, others or the audience of One.  Here are I am…waiting….and learning that being lonely is just a sign that I need to in prayer more and in the word more.

Psalm 23:1-6 

“A Psalm of David. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. .”

This verse is used at a lot of funerals. Maybe its the “walking through the shadow of death” line, but I find this comforting in my loneliness.  You see, He is still beside me no matter what. He comforts me, even when evil is present. He is my shepherd. I don’t believe this Psalm is completely about death but about how to find the green pastures and live in the stillness of God.

(Dana Robison, 2011, Flickr)

(Dana Robison, 2011, Flickr)

So, today, I am going to try to find my green pastures and lay my head down, because my Lord is with me.

Samson and Delilah

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delilah

(Paul Lowry, Flickr, 2008)

I have always been intrigued  by the story of  Samson and Delilah. I guess, its the whole, Samson could tear a young lion with his bare hands and all. Samson’s was strong, no doubt about it. God made him that way for His purpose.  God used Samson and His strength for his Glory. Samson even married, then that had a tragic ending. If you want to know story you can find it in Judges 15.

In Judges 16, we meet Delilah the prostitute. She is no Rahab, who was a Godly woman and hid spies for the Lord. Nope, this prostitute, helped take the mighty Samson down. The rulers of the Philistines wanted to know what made him so powerful, so she asked him. At first he gave her three lies, but with some nagging, Samson, broke down and told her. You see, Samson loved Delilah, Delilah, did not  love Samson. I am not sure who she loved, if it was the money she was given or herself.  In the end, I guess doesn’t really matter.

I love the Bad Girls of the Bible Book by Liz Curits Higgs. She calls “Delilah: Bad to the Bone”. Which in the book, she notes when the “Bad girls of the bible” are redeemed by God, such a Rahab or The woman at the well. You see, Delilah, was not one of those women. I loved this book, because at one time, I was a quote on quote “Bad girl”. In some people’s eyes, I did things that were not the greatest, but those were “mistakes”. I did hurt my parents and some others along the way, but being so selfish, I couldn’t see past my own pain and hurt. You see, I was no better than any of the bad girls of the bible. I may not have been like Delilah and sold my lover out for money, but did my fair share of hurting others. Which in God’s eyes, is still the same.

bible

(Brett Jordan, 2009, Flickr)

Unless you are completely honest with yourself, we all have some things that God has had to deal with us on. Whether it be sin that was caused in our youth or now. There are things that I have been washed, cleansed and set free from. My relationship with the Lord, (key word relationship) is stronger than ever.

On an encouraging note, Rahab would become the mother of Boaz, who would than marry Ruth in the bible. If you look through the genealogy of Jesus, you would know that Rahab is in that genealogy. You see, a former bad girl, who was redeemed, and is now famous for being in the line of ancestors to the King of Kings.  How Great is our God!

References:

Higgs-Currtis, L. (1999). Bad girls of the bible. Waterbrook press: Colorado Springs.

Jordan, Brett. (2009). Bible time. Retrieved on: 25 June 2013, http://www.flickr.com/photos/55497864@N00/3518042098/in/photolist-6mSTmf-6nnAdc-6ooBaL-6sngRm-6u8h76-6wWs1s-6AfZUp-6Dw3WX-6FhHRi-6PzzKH-6U5ynd-a8F5yN-a8F6VN-a8F7Ns-a8CdZV-dACDGa-9emuTE-8xe84h-7A9ak8-7ySrEt-c89VKo-cTvpGS-7yWdBU-9h2jYG-dBwxsg-a9pgKx-c89Rum-c89RLU-95Chit-95Chie-c89PaA-cqX2Xy-9Rvu3z-9Ryouq-9Rvtwi-9RvuWD-9Ryoco-7Q2EEA-9wxRCM-9wAQGW-9wxRD2-dzFwDY-c89QqA-7Vj1Yg-7VsnHd-9h9n6y-c89Vqf-c2w1Z5-c2w27w-aJfHPD-7Vson9

Lowry, Paul. (2008) Deliah cutting the hair of samson. Retrieved on: 25 June 2013, http://www.flickr.com/photos/10039026@N03/2591008341/in/photolist-4WXAvB-53RYV9-5emWRU-5fnQUi-5fnR4D-5fnRL2-5fnS66-5fnSAa-5fnSG8-5fnSM2-5fnSTv-5fo9mx-5fscZs-5fsdv7-5fse63-5fseg5-5fsenC-5fseuY-5fseHm-5fseQm-5fsfhN-5fsq11-5hC9Yv-5hCaBV-5hCaVT-5hCb1P-5hCb9p-5hGw7s-5hGweN-5hGwns-5hGwwh-5hGwEq-5hGwWb-5q4878-5qHSSx-5qHSVT-5qHTer-5qHTjR-5qHToD-5qHTtH-5qHTya-5qHTCM-5qHTGT-5qNdps-5qNdtL-5qNdyd-5qNdLJ-5qNdRG-5qNdWW-5qNeuJ-5D95TX.

Lunch and learn

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My child laying on the floor, throwing a fit, saying ” I am not going to help pick up”. We are at the end of a fun play date. I am trying not to get angry become impatient, but trying to look patient.  You know that feeling that creeps in your stomach, that pit feeling, like your child at times is an extension of you. That pit feeling that all eyes are on you, judging you, screaming in their head “My child would NEVER do that.”

maddieandme

I am blessed with two beautiful little girls. I love them so much.  With that blessings, come the entrust from God to raise my girls to the standard that I am called to as a mother. I am an example to my girls. The way I react and live my life, is an example to of Christ. Hopefully, in their salvation story, I am apart of that. I am a Godly example of what a woman is in their life…not on this day.

So, there lays my child. I quietly cleaned up the mess she had made, and quickly left the scene of the play date. I could blame her actions on being tired, or overstimulated, but she was just not listening. She was not doing what she was being told. I as her mother, sat with my pride, because my child should know better than to act in that fashion. All around me,  I felt the weight of sin. The sin of my pride of wanting perfection out of my children, when, I, myself, can not be perfect. Just plain old self-defeating moment.

I am often reminded of Romans 3:23 ” for we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of the Lord.”  In this instance, its true, that day, my child and I both had fallen short of God’s glory. My pride had gotten in the way of loving my child in the way she needed. I was too worried about what others were thinking of me and her. In my mind, thoughts were racing…Child, get off the floor? (that actually came out of my mouth, loving huh?), Why is she doing this? She is wanting to embarrass me in front of  my friend? I hope I am not the only one who has had those thoughts, if I am, than I will stand alone.

What I should have been thinking of is what God what thinking, how I could bring my child up in His ways, so that she would not depart from it.

Then I was reminded of Romans 8:1  “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” When we confess our sins and allow God to take over, there is no condemnation, there is only grace, mercy and love.

I am not the perfect parent, my children are not perfect, but with a perfect God, we will be refined and one day made perfect.

Emotional firefighting

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fire truck

When I was in graduate school to become a counselor the phrase “emotional firefighters” was often told to us as emerging counselors. Emotional firefighting sounds like some new self help book, but what the professors  meant is that we get right into the middle of the fire, people’s pain, and try to put it out.  We stand there in the fire with them and help guide them through the smoke, ashes, flame; When often times, they can’t even see past the blinding light of the fire. We help them put it out. We stand there with them, until they are ready to move on. This can be hard, taxing, yet  rewarding. It’s why I wanted to be a counselor and stuck out grad school. There are times we get a little burned ourselves, we are able to heal and move on.

On the way into my internship, in the middle of my internship week, I was praying, as I often do. Normally its over the usual stuff, my husband, my kids, family members, friends etc.  Lately we have had friends with some hard news. News of hardship that can make anyone stops in their tracks. The thought came to me as I was praying about being an emotional firefighter. I am use to that, being in people’s pain.  I see the worst of the world on a daily basis. Yet, as I was praying, I wondered, how many Christians would call themselves “emotional firefighters”. Really shouldn’t we be the ones getting into the flame, smoke and ashes. I look at the cross and know without a doubt that is exactly what Christ did for us. He gets in people’s pain. He is the emotional firefighter, but hasn’t He called us to do the same? To come along side each other, or really anyone.

doctorshouse

The example I of think of is in Mark Chapter 2, when Jesus is eating with the tax collectors and sinners. The tax collectors were not highly thought of in that day or the “sinners”. The Pharisees (the teachers of the law, the religious folks of the day) saw this, they did’t understand. They even questioned is disciples about “why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?” (Mark 2:16)  Jesus being the emotional firefighter that He was, I can imagine was just shaking his head.

His response is “Its not the healthy who need a doctor, bu the sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners” (Mark 2:17)  Being the imperfect person I am, would not have been so kind, but  Jesus, God in the Flesh, came to bear our sins, did not want the naysayers of the day. He wanted  the people,  their whole hearts, devotion and life to follow him.

Are you being an emotional firefighter? Are you willing to put yourself in people’s pain? I know for a fact there are people in my life who have done exactly that. They have come along side of me and felt the heat of my pain in my life. I am so thankful for those people. I know they were put there by God.

So, are we like Jesus or the Pharisees?

Photos from: Flickr: Fire truck, 2007, Doctors’ House , 2011

Book Review: Wildflowers from Winter

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wildflowers3     (Flickr, Mark Stevens, 2007)

(From the publisher)  Bethany Quinn was happy to leave her small town ten years ago to create a new, successful life. But when tragedies strike at home, she is forced to return and face the pain of her childhood. Out of options, Bethany tries to find a place where love and faith make sense again.  (Ganshert, 2012)

Wildflowers from Winter(http://katieganshert.com/books/wildflowers-from-winter/)

I love to read, I love books!  (Thank you mom for my love of reading!) Reading is a passion of mine. I love to read anything from romance, to thrillers, to non-fiction.

To be honest, I am not a huge fan of a lot of Christian Fiction Romance novels. I often find them hokey, not realistic and just plain boring. There I said it! I might be banned from the some Christian circles.  Katie Ganshert’s book Wildflowers from Winter is a Christian Fiction book. As usual, I was late to the party. Most of my friends had read this book. I was hesitant to look up another Christian fiction love story, but so glad I did!

I believe this book is unlike most Christian love stories. Bethany has to one of my favorite character’s in christian fiction. I connected with this character because in a lot of ways I was her .  There is something in the rawness of this character’s flaws that makes her unquie to other Christian love stories. She is strong willed, determined and hard headed. ( I totally understood her).

She has been hurt, she is broken, she is need of a Savior.  I was Bethany at one point of my life.  I was hurt by people who was suppose to love Christ. Loving Christ means loving sinners. (not the sin, but the person, the heart.)  I was in need of forgiveness and know that as flawed as people are, that God is not. This book spoke to my heart in a way that is unique and beautiful.

This book is about love, redemption, and salvation. There is a love story for all of us who love a good love story but for those of us who had a background that is less than stellar, this might be a book that sings to your heart.

This book brings a lot of attention to a lot of unique issues. It will help you think through some hard stuff. I ended up loving Bethany, flaws and all. I love her imperfections and God’s perfections in woven into the story. Overall, I enjoyed the book and would recommended it. It would be a great book club read!

katie Author Bio: Katie Ganshert was born and raised in the Midwest, where she writes stories about finding faith and falling in love. When she’s not busy plotting her next novel, she enjoys being silly and laughing with her husband, playing make-believe with her wild-child of a son, and chatting with her girlfriends over coffee and bagels. She and her husband are in the process of adopting from the Congo.

(taken from Author’s website:  http://katieganshert.com/books/wildflowers-from-winter/)

Ganshert, K. (2012). Wildflowers from winter. Colorado Springs: Waterbrook Press.

Enough

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Am I  enough? Is often the song lyric that plays in my head. This song is played as  I live my life. Am I enough for my husband and children? Am I enough of a daughter, sister, or friend? At times, it feels as I am always failing someone in my life.  Am I enough? I have been told, I am not at times enough to be apart of something it either be a certain set of friends or even at times as a family member.

Am I ENOUGH?

cross

(Flicker, Gavin Clarke, 2011)

This is the question, I ask myself all the time.  I feel inadequate, incomplete, lost, hopeless.  Then I read….

1 Peter 2:24 ” He himself bore ours sins” in this body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed”. I am enough in Christ.

I am only ENOUGH…..

when I stop living for myself and live for Him.

Serve Him instead of myself

Serve His people

Forgive

Love others more than myself

Seems that simple right?!

Some days are better than others 🙂

A new blog

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A-9266

I have decided to start a brand new blog. I loved my old blog. It helped me through Grad school. It helped me transition from a work life into a home life, which turned into a school life. Now, I am just living life. So, I have no great insight into life. My insight into life is that I love Jesus. Plain and simple. He is my rock, my foundation.

Next I love my family. I love my husband . We are the most two imperfect people on the face of the earth but found unity because of our faith in God.  I love my children and am blessed to have them. They are the most precious thing that God has allowed me to carry and then help bring them into the world.

So, that’s me. Welcome to my new blog! I will try to write weekly. But maybe not always 🙂